


Ask A Scientist!

by aelisheva



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Gen, In-Universe Publication - Advice Column, In-Universe Publication - Newspaper Article
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-03
Updated: 2019-09-03
Packaged: 2020-10-06 11:28:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20506226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aelisheva/pseuds/aelisheva
Summary: A little while after the Weirdpocalypse was averted, Stanford Pines moves back to Gravity Falls and starts an advice column in the local newspaper. Why, you ask? Ask him yourself in the paper, weirdo.





	Ask A Scientist!

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DesertScribe](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DesertScribe/gifts).

> Here you go, DesertScribe! Hope you enjoy, this was very fun to write :D

Greetings and salutations! Welcome to the inaugural feature of ASK A SCIENTIST with me, Paranormal Investigator and Co-Stopper of the Weirdpocalypse, Stanford Pines. Please remember that I’ll accept advice questions about anything, not just science -- family, friends, etc. So without further ado, let’s answer some questions.

\--

_Dear Scientist,_

_For the past few days I’ve had a lot of trouble falling asleep. There’s a giant ominous jellyfish floating over my bed! She splashes me with cold water every time she moves her tentacles (which is very often), and there’s always this glowing and humming sound coming off of her at night. How do I get her out of my room without hurting her?_

_\--A Girl and Her Jellyfish_

Dear Girl, 

Sounds like you’ve got a _Cyanea volito_ on your hands. They seem to be a new invasive species of giant ominous floating jellyfish around this region of Oregon. Where did they invade from, you ask? My guess is Dimension #2212EU-Epsilon. Or Dimension #2212EU-Sigma. They're very similar in atmosphere. Anyway. Luckily, ones around this age are very tame and unlikely to sting you. Before you go to bed, put on a few layers of protective gloves/oven mitts, grab the bell of the jellyfish, and gently carry her out the nearest window. From there, she will simply float away -- after you close the window, of course. From there, she'll zap open a new portal back home. How you ask?.....Honestly, I have no clue. You'll have to ask a different scientist about that.

\--

_Dear Scientist,_

_I have a really cool scientist Grunkle whose birthday is coming up really really soon and I have no idea what to get him as a present! And he's not dropping any hints or anything! What should I do?_

_\--Definitely Not Mabel ;)_

Dear Definitely Not Mabel,

I -- I mean this cool Grunkle -- could always use some new glass vials for chemical experiments. Maybe you could paint a few with a nice colorful design? That sounds quite lovely. Any color or color combination would be great.

\--

_Dear Scientist,_

_Okay so in my last letter I totally forgot about my OTHER Grunkle. These two are twin brothers, but this other Grunkle is not a scientist, he’s a business owner. I don’t know what to get him for a birthday present either! I was just going to get him a bulk carton of pancake mix again from Cheap Stuff Warehouse, but he just restocked._

_\--Still Definitely Not Mabel ;))_

Hi Mabel,

Maybe get him a liter of maple syrup from there to go with the pancake mix? That’s not enough for a birthday present, though. Maybe decorate him a special crate to put all of his pancake mix, syrup, etc. in. Either that or the collector’s edition DVD of The Duchess Approves.

\--

_Dear Scientist,_

_Have you ever seen any species of Updog or Ligma around this town?_

_\--CoolDood69_

CoolDood69,

Nice try. Stanley already pulled that one on me, and I won't get burned again.

\--

_Dear Scientist,_

_Ford! Why are you giving OTHER people advice when you still haven’t gotten back to me about whether or not Bigfoot is real??? I still need to settle that bet and if I lose, I am going to lose a LOT of gold and pancake mix._

_\--Your Much Cooler Brother_

Stanley,

Wouldn’t YOU like to know if Bigfoot is real or not.

EDIT: Okay, that was harsh. All of my notes on Bigfoot are in my lab, I’ll show them to you after lunch.

\--

_Dear Scientist,_

_All of my friends keep bugging me to start binge-watching shows and etc. with them! If I don’t start something in the next two days, they’ll kidnap my dog!! What shows/movies/plays/ etc. are really good right now?_

_\--Please Don’t Steal My Dog Brenda_

Dear Please,

Most of these recommendations come from my great-niece and great-nephew. 

On the streaming app Webflix, Mabel recommends the teen drama “Buff Redhead Boy Plays Guitar And Also Solves Murders Or Something.” Also, “British People Baking Scones And All Sorts Of Things.” Also, the cartoon “Girl With Sword Yells At Angry Cat Girl.”

On the video site WeTube, Dipper likes the series “Just Two Relatable Guys Making Fun Of True Crime Stories And Also Solving Them.”

A lot of people have asked me if I saw the end credits scene from the movie “Spider Kid Goes To Europe Before He Belongs To Another Company.” And I said no. I hate Spider Kid and he is a menace!!

The only play/musical that I’ve heard about recently is the indie/jazz show “Whiny Musician Misplaces His Dead Girlfriend Because He Is Dumb.” Check that out if you want.

\--

_Dear Scientist,_

_My friends are all going to storm Area 51 later this month, since they missed that first "official" raid on September 20th, 2019. I know nothing came out of it but...I really want to see those aliens!! Should I go with them??_

_\--Memeboi :P_

Dear Memeboi,

Only go if you feel safe. And don't worry, you won’t be missing much if you stay home. Besides, all the good stuff is in Area 52 anyway.

\--

_Dear Scientist,_

  
_Uhh "Area 52??" What even is that, dude? Is that also in New Mexico? Or in the North Pole? Don't leave me hanging!!_

_\--Memeboi :P_

  
Dear Memeboi,

Area 52 was created in 1978 in Tuscon, Arizona as a direct response to the ereijfgejfjnkljcvnsjvnkdjbn --

  
***

I apologize, Memeboi. It seems like I was unaware that an Area 52 agent was perched inside a potted plant in my lab and was ready to strike in case I "tried to stir up the masses" like I did just now. So sadly, you'll just have to stick with Area 51 for now. But hey, some of the specimens there are actually interdimensional! Tell Gunthree from Dimension #1209AG I said hello if you see her.

  
\--

Dear Scientist,

_ **YOUR BROTHER DISINTEGRATED ME BUT I NOW EXIST IN ALL DIMENSIONS AT ONCE AS FLOATING DUST PARTICLES IN THE AIR AND IT’S VERY UNCOMFORTABLE AND I HAVE NO POWERS SO PLEASE SUMMON ME AGAIN** _

_ _

_ **\-- D O I T N O W F O R D** _

Dear Bill,

NO


End file.
